Transcript from interview

I was interviewed by a book review fellow last week. He was wearing a bow tie, so I should have figured he would be one of those snotty people.

Anyway, here's the transcript from the interview (which I will soon post on YouTube, against the interviewer's wishes).

I = Interviewer (name deleted because he was such a whiner)

M = me

I : We are here with SK Benton, author of Lives of Future-Past, from the science fiction/fantasy book series The Chronicles of Max Gunnarsson. Hello SK.

M: Heya

I: So, why did you give the protagonist such a long-winded name?

M: That’s kind of a sucky first question. Couldn’t you lead off with something like “do you like cats?”

I: Why would we ask something like that?

M: Well, the really cool people in my books are lycans, and are kinda related to wolves, and wolves eat cats so -
  

I: Are you sure about that?

M: Sure about what?

I: That wolves eat cats

M: Um yeah, totally. My brother raises timber wolves. We feed them cats and -

I: My God! Are you serious? You feed live cats to wolves?

M: No, I was just kidding. But I know wolves will eat cats.

I:  And how do you know that?

M: Because cats stay away from the wolves' pens.

I: Ok, fair enough. So, can we start the interview?

M: I thought we were already well into it?

I: Right. Ok, so why did you name the protagonist Maxilimilianus Xavier Gunnarsson?

M: Because it sounds cool - like a Viking. You know, Yaaaargh! Avast!

I: Um, that’s a pirate.

M: No it’s not. It’s a Viking.

I: I happen to know for a fact that Vikings didn’t talk that way.

M: For a fact? Really? Ok. How many Vikings do you know? Huh?

I: Well, I really haven’t ever met one so…

M: So you don’t know if they said “yeaaargh” and “avast!”

I: I guess not. Do the Vikings say that in your book?

M: I don’t have Vikings in my book.

I: But I thought you said –

M: Hello Mr. Cambridge. I basically said his name sounded cool. Like a Viking’s name.

I: Very well then. So, tell us a bit about the story premise

M: Max is a very smart fellow who lives on a planet colonized by humans hundreds of years before his birth. He figures out how to travel faster than the speed of light and goes back to Earth. Earth is pretty much dead, but his planet’s military goes after him anyway – it’s a government control kinda thing. Surveillance society and all.

I: So he returns to Earth. Where does he go? New York? Paris?
  

M: Oh, Hell no. He goes to Peru.

I: Why Peru?

M: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?

I: Um, I can’t. He’s a fictional character.

M: Oh yeah, that’s right. He goes because he likes Peruvian food.

I: Were his ancestors Peruvian?

M: No, they were from Argentina.

I: Odd. Ok, moving on. What happens when he gets to Peru?

M: Well first he finds out that mankind was smeared from the face of the planet. Not even any bones left. Then he tries to hide near Machu Picchu. It’s there that a god-like being shows up and wants to drink some Scotch with him.

I: Scotch? As in Scotch whisky?

M: Yup

I: Why Scotch whisky?

M: Um, it’s because he has a bottle of it with him – duh!

I: Right. So, they drink together. Then what happens?

M: Well, first they get drunk. Then this crusty admiral dude and a totally hot chick from the military show up to kill him

I: And do they succeed?

(15 second delay)

M: That has to be the dumbest question anyone has ever asked me. The series is called The Chronicles of Max Gunnarsson. Not the Chronicles of some dead guy who was featured in the first three chapters.

I: Ok, I set myself up for the fall there. Then what happens?

M: You go out and buy the book, read it and tell me the rest.

I: Can we just get a bit more background, please?

M: Ok. So Max, the god-like dude and the hot chick travel to the 43^rd century, where they will be lycans and have super awesome strength and smell really nice and stuff. They train and they kill vampires. You see, in this universe, vampires are not shiny, beautiful sexy beings – they stink, they are in a constant state of decomposition and they are basically sociopathic ass-hats. Lycans are awesome, beautiful protectors of normals.

I: Normals? What are they?

M: Humans without cool abilities. Normal people. I think you could have figured that one out, Socrates.

I: Right – normals. So, going further, what is the basic premise of what the protagonist is trying to accomplish?

M: Earth was killed by a race of intergalactic insects. And they are on their way to Max’s planet to do the same thing.

I: And Max needs to stop them?

M: Yup. But that’s in book three.

I: And why not in book two?

M: Oh man, book two’s all kinds of fun. Max is lost n stuff. But I can’t tell you anything really, because it’ll ruin the end of book one. It is a great segue, though. I guarantee that.

I: Mr. Benton, SK, I think we should start the interview over again.

M: Why? It didn’t go well?

I: We would like for you to appear more intelligent

M: I am intelligent.

I: You came off as goofy and aloof

M: I wrote two books. How many books have you written?

I: I haven’t actually written any –

M: I created the world’s only online automated application for processing, qualifying and sharing radio frequency, passive intermodulation and optical time-domain reflectometer test results, bringing our clients a 1400% increase in efficiency. What have you done, aside from acting all snarky during interviews? And wearing a ridiculous yellow bow tie...

I: I think we are done here.

M: Ok. Hey, you wanna go get some tacos? I like the little ones with carne asada, cilantro, onions and that ripping-hot red sauce.

I: Um, no thanks. I would prefer getting as far away from you as humanly possible.

M: Too bad you can't time-travel like Max.

I: It's fiction, Mr Benton. It's not real.

M: I know! Isn't that great? So, do you want beef or pork?